Monday morning.
Im rushing to have the kids to the sitter on time. My house is upside down from the kitchen cabinet overhaul. I forgot my wallet in the other car so I realize I won't have lunch money. Lipstick gets put on during a red light and I scramble into work with just enough time to spare to drop my bags, grab my coffee cup from my desk and meet co-workers at the coffee station. 3 half & half, 4 creamers, 3 packets of sugar, 2 stirrers - mix - and add coffee. Mingle with others chatting about the weekend to the conference room for the companies Monday morning meeting.
It's a typical day. I check my bank account and sigh. Open MS PowerPoint and remember how much work I still have left on my projects, it's going to be a long week.. I may have to travel out of town and am not looking forward to it. We're hosting a BBQ this weekend for my birthday and my house is a disaster..
Phone rings.. it's my friends at RCS!
"Hey Ashley, I'm guessing you haven't heard. Calvin's son Grayson died on Saturday."
Just like that, my heart sank and my entire world literally spun in my mind. Immediate pictures start scrolling: Madelynne. Annabelle. Calvin dancing down the hallway. Melinda's big smile. Pictures in the left corner of Melinda's office of their family vacation with all the boys wearing pink polo's. Calvin answering the question to "Does Melinda ever get mad at anything?!" and him chuckle "Nah, not really." Sterling's beautiful manners and sweet smile. Herb glowing as he talks about Calvin's boys. Calvin telling me about the baseball teams/coaching/running around. Carlos talk about Collin and Sterling playing together. Melinda share her stories of the boys when they were my girls ages.
Suddenly, the mommy heart I have made me sick to my stomach. Two people I admire and enjoy have just lost their child. There simply are no words.. my heart pours for them.
I walked around and worked in a daze for the rest of the day.
The news reports were heart breaking to listen and read, the obituary was heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.
I wanted nothing more than to get home to my babies and squeeze and hold them both tight. Days where I am stressed, frustrated, irritated with life or them I suddenly feel guilt for. How can I ever be mad over a spilled cup of milk, when another mother will never see her son again?! I tried all day to find peace and comfort that sweet Grayson was in heaven and in a better place but my heart kept tearing me down at how wrong it is to tragically loose a child!
When I arrived to the sitter to pick-up the girls, I couldn't get them in my arms fast enough. Mady was as sweet and tender as ever, her hair smelled of sunscreen and in her eyes, her pink-painted toes were chipping away and her smile was genuine that she was happy to see me. I could have held her for hours until she wiggled out of my arms. Kelly tried talking and carrying various conversations with me and I was simply dazed. She finally got Annabelle from upstairs where she was napping and handed her to me. She felt hot! I asked how long she had been running a fever and Kelly seemed unaware. I packed the girls and headed to Patient First. On a typical day, I likely would have grumbled at the thought of attempting Patient First alone with both kids, but today I could care less, I didn't want my girls out of my sight, I wanted to hold them close to me everywhere. The trip was pointless and we headed home at 8p. I gave Annabelle medicine and rocked her in her nursery to sleep.
As I laid there and rocked her with tears in my eyes, I studied every part of her tiny perfect body. I remember the same feeling when she was in the NICU. I remember thinking "She's so far away from me, I want to hold her and feel her. I want to see all her toes, all her fingers, I want to rub her hair, look at every inch of her body so I would never forget any part of it." I remember distinctly how happy and fortunate I felt the first time they laid Annabelle in my arms without tubes/wires and I was alone with her to undress and see her for myself, she was 8 days old and I felt like she was MINE and she wouldn't go anywhere. Several months have passed since that night I first held Annabelle and now I look at her in the same way again. There are parents who will never be able to see their son's fingers, toes, run their fingers thru his hair, see his smile, smell his skin, feel his warmth or hear his voice. I have all of that in my arms and I feel selfish. I feel disappointed that I didn't go to bed last night knowing just HOW lucky and blessed I am to have my children with me tonight. Accidents can happen anytime, no one is promised tomorrow so how can I live my life thinking "Just go to bed, don't make another peep.. we will color your picture tomorrow, I don't have time". Im not saying I will let my kids gets away with anything now, but that 'time' that I keep using as an excuse or assuming is there in the future just may not be!
I gave Annabelle about 35 kisses and told her I love her about 600 times before laying her in the crib. Breathing monitors on extra sensitive, I walked downstairs.
My kitchen still looks like a disaster area and I stood at the mess I would have to clean to get dinner on the table. I grabbed a quilt and asked for Mady's help, we spread out the blanket on the floor and sat together indian style and had a picnic for dinner. TV off, lights dim, we said grace and Madelynne asked God to be with Grayson's family and to take care of him (prompted of course), we ate dinner and I watched Mady smile the entire time as she kept reminding me "Mommy, this is so silly. We're eating in the living room! That's just silly!" I didn't want to get up, I wanted to watch her smile forever. She start spinning like a ballerina so I asked her to twirl for me again. She said "hold on mommy, I'll be right back, don't move, okay?" She came back downstairs with a short sapphire blue ballerina dress and matching shoes with a shy grin on her face. With a little encouraging she put her hands above her head, touched her fingers, closed her eyes and started to twirl. About 4 circles and the dizzy chuckles began. Her belly laughs are the best, most beautiful things to hear. I watched my princess happy, smiling, laughing and spinning for almost an hour. She went to bed well past her bedtime and I didn't care. My kids were here, with me, healthy and alive and that's something that I am truly grateful and thankful for.
You hear about accidents happening or children dying on the news or in conversation. It's always saddening but it never happens to anyone you know. This death hit too close to home, I know Grayson's parents, just last Friday life was perfect for them and Saturday their entire world changed. There are no words for Calvin, Melinda and Sterling that can do their pain justice. I know Grayson is in a better place, I just pray for strength and courage for his family as they learn how to enjoy life without him here with us.
