I miss my Nama & never want to loose my Papa either..

Madelynne and I visited Papa yesterday.. I haven't been to his house since Christmas, and before that was when Nama died. I don't know why, but I feel so guilty uncomfortable lost/sad loss for words when I am there only spending time with Papa. I think more than missing my Nama, my heart aches for him. I don't even know that I have actually mourned her passing, I think I have been so busy lately, and so deeply worried about whether or not Papa is doing ok, to accept that she is gone. I feel like I am standing between being with my nama and watching my papa and just waiting for the next step.

December 2, 2011, Peggy Mihalcoe passed away peacefully in her sleep, holding my papa's hand. She always got upset if he threatened to leave her side when she was in the hospital or nursing home. He spent many, MANY long hours beside her over the last years as her health spiraled down. Nama was in constant pain, loosing her memory slowly, in and out of hospitals but one thing that could ALWAYS make her smile were her great-grand babies. Words cannot express how thankful I am to have given them to her. I started staying with Nama when she first got bad in 2007. During good months, she would enjoy driving and we would go places.. scaring the crap out of me at times, but she loved it. As we always would, we would go shopping! I can't count the amount of laps we can make around Kohl's without buying a single thing, but we did it. We would have a lunch date if papa left us lunch money in the 'gambling jar' and spend it all! He tried to put us on a budget, but he is a sucker for us girls :) While planning the wedding she helped me make most the stationary in the living room, creating a huge mess.. I would setup the computer and write school papers.. sometimes babysit other kids while sitting with Nama. We spent lots of time together, and re-getting to know one another.

When Madelynne was born, Nama and Papa were one of the first at the hospital to see her. I called them the night before to let them know what Madelynne were here, and I can imagine that she was dressed with shoes on within the hour and drove papa crazy the next morning to hurry to the hospital to see her. Walking with her cane in the room of the hospital she was beaming. Nama held Mady and fed her, her first bottle and was so happy. We spent LOTS of time with Nama while Mady was growing up. She took her first steps in her living room. 2 steps.. 4 steps.. then ran towards the dining room and fell and cracked her head ;) It was a wonderful day.

I love that Madelynne was able to make memories with her Nama while she was with us, I grew up in that little house making memories all thru my childhood and they are some of my fondest. Nama teaching me how to skip around that stained wood coffee table in a circle.. Nags Head vacations every summer. Breakfast at Shoney's or McDonald's and then begging Papa to come shopping with us. Sometimes he would wait in the car as we lapped Kmart. Most times we would stay in the car with him while Nama ran inside 'Hanaford' grocery store. A bunch of birds, Seagulls, would always fly around and land in the parking lot.. Papa would quickly pipe up and say "Hey you guys look!! There's that same bird! Ashley-roo, that one over there by the water to the left, that one is yours, remember?! ..Brooke, there is yours again! Right beside it! WOW!" Damn we were gullable for believing he could point out those birds every Saturday :)

I love my nama more than words can explain, I have more memories in my head and could tell stories for hours. She always had a funny way of life and christian vocabulary. It was rare she got REALLY mad, she would say "I am so T.O.'d!!" Really? Abbreviating "Ticked off" ? :) Or one year when we were finally getting onto the interstate en route to Nags Head, she leaned over to Papa, and said were ready.. HIT IT! And slammed the gas. She never used the interstate, and definitely would never speed. THAT in itself, was hilarious to us! Although most my memories could be derived from time spent one on one with Nama during the weekends, my Papa has always also stolen my heart forever. Many times, he would be in the country with his dogs. I would crawl onto his lap every weekend and ask "Papa, tell me about the Good ol' days". The days in mention were the days when he grew up.. depression.. war.. times where people sat on their porches and enjoyed just the company. I loved those stories, so much that I begged him to write me a book, and he did! I remember days where Papa took me to the country, in the old green truck and lap seat belt. It was such a long drive to get out there, but the prize was always the best. I would get pick of the litter! I got to choose my new puppy and bring him home. The puppy had to stay in the floor of the truck in his little box as I watched him the whole way home below my dangling feet. Every weekend I grew up riding one knee of his lap on the tractor, or picking grapes to smush with my feet. We had too much fun growing up.

That small while house on top of the hill holds so many of my childhood memories and I am blessed to have started my girls lives making memories in them as well.

Things will be different now. 
 
Papa says the house is quiet to himself. He doesn't mind living alone and he is getting used to eating by himself, but the lonliness is the hardest part. He says he just misses her so darn much. My heart aches. Fifty-six years of passionate love finally came to an end. Even on her worst days, he would walk into the room and turn the corner, "Peg! My goodness, I didn't recognize you! You are 5x more beautiful than you were before I left! I just don't know how you do it".. she would blush and smile, looking at me and wave her arm at him, "Aww Herb!". THAT is the love I want. What an amazing love that must be. I hope papa manages to stay busy and care for himself. I know he misses her and can't wait for the day he will see her again, but it will kill me. My papa is my number one man in this world, he has had my heart since a little girl, as has nama. They hold just as much of my childhood as my home did, I can't say goodbye to any of them yet. Until those times come, I will keep my girls over there as much as I can. I see the same light and love and joy in Madelynne's eye's when she is with her Papa as I hold everytime I think about him. He has a way with all his girly grandbabies, that is for sure! Soon Annabelle will take his heart too, he hasn't held her yet, despite Nama begging him to hold her, but he insists that she is too little and not yet. He will in time, just as he did with Mady. Now he doesn't hesitate to pick her up and carry her around, take her to show her, her puppy "Music" that papa got for her. Make her a snack of moon pie's, mt.dew (green drink) or anything else he can find unhealthy! Or just to sit and play with their favorite ball popper machine. Mady is happy to just sit back in papa's lap to have his company and attention, and it melts my heart more than words can express. When papa wasn't home, she loved to lay in Nama's lap and watch cartoons together, or our days of all crawling in the bed and taking our naps together. <3 <3 I never want to forget these memories. They are so dear special to me.