Belle's Little Roller Coaster, Coming home!

This is a tad late, but I wanted to post about Annabelle's emotionally exhausting, blossoming into a sweet little girl of a ride that we have all ridden with her over her last 8weeks.. that's right, she is EIGHT weeks old now! How did that happen??


After giving birth to Annabelle via C-section, they gave me a quick glimpse and whisked her away to the NICU. I was wheeled back to my room and recovered. The next morning, the anticipation was killing me and I couldn't stand it a moment longer. I called the NICU and they updated me that she was now doing well, she had a couple tough points thru the night but we could come visit as soon as we were ready. I was ready. I immediately called my nurse: "Hello, may I help you". Me: "Yes, I need help picking my legs up, finding a wheelchair and getting out of this bed to meet my baby in the NICU. Thanks" There was no amount of pain that was going to hold me back from meeting my daughter for the first time.


We were wheeled down the hall.. past the nurses station and hung a right. Straight ahead on the left we finally saw the NICU sign. Pick up the red telephone on the wall, introduce yourself and we were in! We scrubbed in, vigorously with brushes all around our hands, fingers and up to our elbows. Dried off. and dressed in a plastic hospital gown before entering the NICU. I knew I should expect to see tubes/wires. I knew she wouldn't be wrapped gently like a regular newborn, but what I never expected was my stomach drop when I first saw her.

I was immediately sick to my stomach that "I" have done this to her. I am the one that could no longer carry her and was the reason this itsy bitsy, tiny baby was hooked to monitors and machines. 

She couldn't cry. She had breathing tubes, feeding tubes, pulse-ox, IVs galore. My heart sank and all I wanted to do was pull every piece of equipment off her and hold her so tightly, cry and tell her I was sorry. I couldn't hold my tears, I bawled. Finally her doctor introduced herself and explained thoroughly everything that we were seeing, it did help, but after 10m I looked at AK and told him to take me back to my room, I couldn't take it any longer.. I didn't go back until late that evening when I recomposed myself. It was hard. I am strong, but seeing my daughter in that condition challenged every ounce of my strength in a single gut-wrenching breath.

After the first experience, the NICU became less intimidating and sterile, and more like my second home. My routines were to pump and walk milk down to the NICU every 3hours around the clock. It kept me busy and my mind from wheeping of guilt.


The NICU was a journey to say the least. Many days we would make two steps forward and one step back, sometimes all in an hour. Some days we took three steps back and only one step forward. Overall, in the end, Annabelle thrived beautiful and was quickly, day by day moving away from each piece of equipment. After the first day she was breathing on her own with only the occasional C-Pap. 

By day 2. We were feeding her from a bottle and teaching her to eat. She was taking my milk and a teaspoon of supplemental formula. We eventually would work our way up. It took patience between all of us but we taught her the method of 'suck / swallow / breathe' all at the same time. This is not an instinct for preemie's, it's a learned skill and she did beautifully! Our biggest problem was making sure she took her feeding in 30m. If she doesn't take her entire feeding within that time period, the feeding becomes irrelevant bc she is then burning more calories than she is consuming from the bottle. Keeping a preemie awake and alert is a job itself, but we made it!

Annabelle also had many digestion problems for a couple days. By day 3. when checking her tummy and pulling all contents off to check her residual, her tummy held every bit of everything we had just put in it. Meaning she was drinking her bottle, but it wasn't digesting or going anywhere. She also was having a hard time passing meconium even by day 3. GI problems persisted until the day before we took her home. But at that time, she was finally having BMs, drinking her required amount, maintaining her body temp, over 4lb in weight, gaining weight and thriving.

I was discharged from the hospital on Friday. It was by far, the most heartbreaking "Goodbye" I have had to do. I cried my eyes out. You aren't supossed to leave your baby at the hospital :( I waited until after her 6p feeding to leave. I cried while packing my room and finally called the nurse that I was ready to leave. She wheeled me towards the elevators, as I sat there watching all the other eager family awaiting beautiful news of a little one's arrival, I had to leave my tiny sick baby in the hospital and go home alone.. I felt so alone, empty, and hurt. I never lifted my head but let the tears fall and pour on my lap until I made it to the car. I sat in the front seat. I was supossed to sit in the back with my baby. I came into that hospital pregnant, I was leaving with staples. AK and I never spoke during the car ride. I simply didn't have anything to say, and there wasn't anything he could say to help me.. or us. We silently rode home, walked into our painfully quiet house (kids were at my moms) and just went thru the motions. I took a relaxing shower. pumped accordingly every 3hrs. rocked by myself in Annabelle's room, silently just thinking, daydreaming, praying. I went to bed broken hearted.. I wouldn't let AK put the baby stuff in our room or around me.. I wasn't ready to see it or walk around a bassinett without a baby. The next morning couldn't come fast enough. I woke at 5a, pumped and told AK he needed to take me to the hospital. I went upstairs and walked around for a bit and grabbed a couple things to take her, I took her a new outfit that I could change her into, an embroidered blanket my friend made for her, to keep in her bassinett and her baby book that I had just bought so we could stamp her feet.


The next days somehow, very quickly flew by, were stayed busy running the kids around, bought a mini-van(!!!), made our house newborn-ready. Bought last minute essentials that I thought I had weeks to buy. Searched for preemie clothes and diapers and finally, the good news came. I called the NICU Tuesday to ask how much milk they had and how much I needed to bring in, she replied, "Honey, I believe we have plenty, but the doctor wants to know if you and your husband can come to the hospital tonight by 8p and room-in with Annabelle and take her home tomorrow!" I was ecstatic! Overjoyed and so warm inside. AK was out of town and I was home with Grammy. I texted him, "GET HOME! ANNABELLE IS COMING HOME!" Grammy and I ran around like crazy people. I needed a carseat base, 'coming home' outfit, etc etc. She is a god-send. She patiently did errands with me, helped get the last minute things, came home and as I got everything together, packed me and AKs bags, she cleaned my house! Amazing.


It was pouring raining that night, but I didn't care, we watched our required, Infant CPR / AED in the van on our way to the hospital and flew to the NICU to see our baby! She was wrapped in a real bassinett, not incubator and was ready to see mommy and daddy. They walked us to our room and the moment the nurse left us alone, I grabbed my daughter, with NO tubes/wires for the very first time. I upwrapped her, looked her over and adored how perfect she was. She was beautiful.... and hungry. I nursed her, she latched on like a champ and took her entire feeding by nursing! I couldn't believe it :) Everything was perfect.

Every three hours Belle would wake up to eat, of course we set an alarm just in case.. but she is her momma's child and woke up hungry! After the 3am feeding, the NICU nurse came to take her back to the NICU for more bloodwork and to do her carseat test to make sure she could ride comfortably in the carseat without her breathing being constricted. She was returned to us around 9am.. the time between there I couldn't sleep (you would think I would use that time wisely. Not!) We got up and walked downstairs for some breakfast.. I couldn't get back upstairs fast enough. The hospital picture lady made a trip by and took some pictures, our doctor met us in our room and answered any last questions and finally the time came to leave! AK went to get the car, I packed our bags and the nurse carried Annabelle outside for us. It was beautiful and the sun was shining. The day couldn't be more perfect.

September 28th, 2011 our baby girl came home. A small home in Chester where Mommy Daddy, Madelynne, Aidyn and our pup Zoey lived, where she had a beautifully decorated nursery waiting her arrival. And most importantly a BIG SISTER that couldn't wait to see her! Finally, we were bringing home our baby and completing our family. Just like it should be.

:insert video of Madelynne seeing Annabelle for the first time:

A Proud Little Girl

You know what I love most about my daughter. Her confidence.

As you know, if I receive a compliment, I usually take it in a jokingly - conceited way. I think part of this stems from having low confidence so I reply to a compliment with "Oo, I know I'm pretty, thanks!" The other side, is sometimes I have to just continue telling myself every that I truly am beautiful, and some days -- I believe myself!

My daughter. She knows, without a doubt she is amazing. I love this about her. I let her dress herself and it makes her the happiest little girl in the world. She wants to wear so many layers, with the most important being a "Shake-Shake" skirt and princess shoes. Top it off with a crown and she will tell you that she is cute. Just this morning she came to my room, "Mommy, mommy! Look at meeeee " Twirling in a circle with her arms spread open and a smile ear to ear of anticipation for me to tell her how beautiful she looks. I replied, "Oo Madelynne! You're beautiful!", Mady: "No mommy, Im Adorable today". Okay sweety :)

She loves to make others proud. When Halloween came around, I hadn't taken the time I wanted to teach the kids the ropes of Trick-or-Treating.. going door to door, using manners etc. Our first house, Madelynne pointed and said "Let's go to that one!". I agreed and led her to the front door and stood back, part of me wanted to stand beside her and guide her thru what she was supposed to do/say, but the other half wanted to stand back bc she seemed so confident. Maybe they had been doing this in preschool?? Likely.
Anywho, we ring the doorbell and the lady greets us with a witch hat.

Madelynne: Trick or Treat!
Neighbor: Hello little girl, what are you?
Madelynne: I am Little Riding Hood, see?
Neighbor: We'll it's perfect, here you go, here is some candy.
Madelynne: OOOOO!! (huge eyeballs!) Thank you, Thank you! Goodbye" - Half wave and we head down the steps.

Madelynne walked a couple paces in front of me all the way to the road and finally stopped looking up, "Come here mommy". I squatted down to see what she needed.

Madelynne: "I DID IT MOMMY!! I DID IT!!" There truly are no words that can describe the sheer excitement on her precious face, and the giddiness and pouring love I felt inside me that my little girl was proud of herself. I couldn't hug her enough that she had done such a good job. It was raining horribly Halloween night, so we only made it a couple houses and came home in disappointment, overall I think all the kids still had fun.

She has the sweetest little disposition, despite living in an Aidyn war-zone most days, somehow she has retained her sweet sincerity and I couldn't be more impressed with her. She absolutely melts my heart when I watch from the doorway as she is playing mommy with her babies, "Oh, are you hungry Baby Belle Pink? I can help you, here you go.... Oo don't cry sweetheart.. oo sweetheart, I love you." I don't know whats more warming, the fact that my little girl at two-years old already wears her heart on her sleeve, or that she was reciting the exact way I parent and talk to her. It could be so much worse, but Im guessing at the end of the day, I am still delivering warm gestures to the kids, and kissing enough boo-boo's, and comforting them with sweet words when they need it. Otherwise she wouldn't mommy her babies in that way, I can hear my voice in her's as she parents them. It was a nice reality check and reminder to slow down and pay attention to the little one's in our home... individually.

When she see's another child hurting, she comforts them.

She she hears a baby crying, she finds a bottle or binky to soothe them.

When mommy is sick, she rubs my back, kisses my forehead and says, "Is that better, Mommy?"

When she gets bullied, she doesn't hit back.

My daughter gives hugs without asking.

Random kisses, smiles and runs away.

Tells me I am beautiful without prompt.

Shares her things for others.

smiles . laughs . and embraces life in a way I forget to do

My only wish is to continue to raise such a happy, beautiful, confident and proud little girl. I hope her sister and nephew can follow on her beautiful path, but each in their own unique way. Happy, healthy, proud children are all I ask for.

Annabelle's Birthday

Over the last couple weeks, I began having contractions more frequently, I wasn't too nervous about them but we had a pretty good idea that Ms. Annabelle wasn't going to wait until her due date to arrive. My Baby Shower was on Saturday the 17th - I was worn out! I came home late that night and simply collapsed. Early Sunday morning, we gathered the family together and all headed for a photo-shoot at University of Richmond's campus. I wanted to capture some family pictures of the kids and maternity one's of myself (close timing, huh?) Everything was going wonderful. However about an hour or so into the shoot, my contractions began again. We called it a day around noon and I came home, walked in the door, put my feet up on the couch and literally didn't move. Until the next day.

I had a 9:15a appt. with the Perinatologist and stress test. Did I get up, shower, pamper myself, dress cute and assembled? No. I found my yoga pants and a t-shirt and called it a morning. Makeup-less and exhausted. I should have known then that something was definitely going on! Annabelle appeared fine on monitors, however the nurse and doctor couldn't ignore the timeable contractions they were picking up. The perinatologist called my doctor, Dr. Hyde, and he suggested instead of coming to his office to send me to Labor and Delivery, he would meet me there.

I checked into Labor and Delivery around 10:30a and they immediately began Tribuline, a drug we had previously used to stop contractions. The dosage can be administered in three series but must be given cautiously. The first dose was unsuccessful. Second was also unsuccessful, and my heart-rate was rising. At 184 and efforts to bring my heartrate down, the nurse informed us it was no longer safe to use that particular drug, so we moved onto Nifedipine. Also unsuccessful.   

The week previous, since I had been having contractions so frequently, I was getting nervous and asked Dr. Hyde to check me, I was 1cm dialated at the time. When he came to check on me around noon, labor day, I was still only 1cm. Wahoo! We thought for sure this wasn't true labor and I would be going home soon. I sent AK home to pick-up Madelynne from school and take care of things there. 

After fluids and the second drug failed at slowing contrations, Dr. Hyde told me to hold on tight and get ready, that he had every intention of being aggressive to stop labor but it wasn't going to be pretty. Steroids were given at 1p (OUCH! Talk about a pain in the butt... literally!) He then proceeded to tell me about his next effort, Magnesium. The only way he or I can describe the drug is -- Think Flu. Cold sweats, shaking, nausea, vomiting, HEADACHES and overall, Hell. The Magnesium would work in combination with the Steroids, therefore if labor was inevitable, at least Annabelle would have gotten the best dose of steroids to boost her lung development as she could get.

I labored for the next 6hours in misery. Contractions every 4-5m with 'irritability contractions' each minute between large one's. I was miserable, my head was splitting and the taste in my mouth was the eggs that I had vomited at the Perinatal Center that morning. When Dr. Hyde came back to see me at 7p, I begged and pleaded for food. He reluctantly agreed to a light meal -- I ate a footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki loaded with chips and a drink! Sigh :)

Around 9p I called my nurse, those contractions were NOT getting any easier. She checked me, I was much less posterior and 3cm, 75% effaced. The moment she read everything off tears fell from my chin. I truly believed I was going home! I honestly didn't think labor was pending and I would have a baby soon! Dr. Ruetinger, the on-call doc came to also check me for himself. He agreed I was 3cm and decided to bump up the Magnesium. = NOO!! If I thought I was miserable before, ayyy-yayayay! They gave me Nubaine and bumped the Mag. I was both nauseas and drunk. Try that during contractions!

11:30p. My contractions were teaming against me. I would have a really strong contraction that focused around my tummy but pulled my back. I was in back labor. No matter how I squirmed in the bed I couldn't escape the aches. Immediately following that contraction I would have another in my pelvis, which can only be described as my pubic bones breaking and tearing. Each minute consecutively between the contractions were smaller ones. My large contractions were now 3-4min apart and what were two miserable ones side-by-side, became ONE! Here is a picture of how I was coping during labor:

When my nurse checked me this time, I had progressed from 3-5cm in two hours. It was quite obvious the drugs were not working and labor was inevitable. Annabelle was on her way! .... I was horrified.

I began crying. I was scared for her. She was about to be born 7weeks premature. She wasn't done cooking! She could struggle breathing. She was too little. I can't give birth naturally, my dreams and well planned wishes to have an unmedicated childbirth just went out the window. No matter what I wanted, I was heading to the OR for a C-Section. It was in the middle of the night, AK and I were alone and about to become parents of a tiny preemie baby and everything was out of our control. I felt so terribly guilty that I couldn't be a better mommy and cook her longer.. I want to blame someone, I have no one else to blame but myself and I hated it. I wish I could have done more, maybe if I didn't lift the kids so much, maybe if I rested more.. nothing mattered now, she was on her way and I just had to hold on for the scary ride that was in front of me.

Last belly pic.

1:10a

In the 30m the doctors decided it was time to go ahead with the c-section, my L&D room was flooded with new nurses. They began adjusting my IVs. They prepped me. Placed incredibly tight compression leg things on my feet and calfs. Drilled me with questions and DNRs. The anesthiologist met me and we chatted briefly before he left to get ready in the OR. Then finally -- It was time! They took hold of my bed and headed for the Operating Room. I thought we were going for a long ride; nope, litterally out to the hallway and two doors down on the Left! lol

In the operating room I moved onto another bed, undressed and they began the spinal. It hurt about as much as it hurt with Madelynne when getting an epidural, only this time I was in back labor and was extremely uncomfortable to sit in that position for so darn long! Once it was in, they did a couple more things and I was laid down onto the bed and they hung the drape. AK was told to stay in the hallway at the time, until they were all ready to get started. Please note the Dr. AK picture, I have about 82694 of these.. they obviously left him out there too long!

I remember feeling incredibly sick. I had a bad feeling that the spinal would make me nauseas, and I was right. Not only was I sick, but I was incredibly claustrophibic and beginning to panic. I kept taking really deep breaths and closing my eyes, but I couldn't escape it. I laid on the bed alone, listening to doctor's work and NICU introduce themselves. All the nurses were very sweet and patient, better than them was my anesthiologist, he was amazing and incredibly sweet. Maybe because I was silently bawling or maybe because he knew I was about to have a very premature little baby and knew I was terrified. He did his best to make me comfortable and always stayed very calm and assuring that I was doing well. Finally I closed my eyes:

Dear Lord, I need you. We haven't spoke in a while. I feel like I don't ever make the time much anymore unless I need something and that's selfish. You've given me everything in this life, Lord. You've blessed my family more than words can say. I have an amazing life and a gorgeous little girl at home that needs her mommy. I have the sweetest nephew that is completing my family. But I need you today -- I need you right now to stand beside me. I need you Lord to help me get thru the next several minutes and be with me and little Annabelle. She's small, she's weak and helpless and needs us. She wouldn't be here if you didn't choose so. I wouldn't have carried this baby so long without your help and I feel so blessed to have been chosen to help you assist in creating this tiny miracle over the last several months. You decided today would be Annabelle Grace's birthday, and while I don't know your reasoning, I trust you. Please stand beside me and give my family the strength to get thru the next several weeks. Kiss my angel that is about to be born and remind her how strong she is. She has her mommy in her and will fight as hard as it takes to make it home soon. Send an Angel to watch over her, please, give her the courage and strength to enter this world kicking and screaming! Im ready now, together let's do this.

I prayed with all my might. I kept my eyes closed and took deep breaths. I let every tear pour off my face and hit the floor.

AK came back in, he took one look at me and gave an "Im here." half smile and just held my hand. He tells me that he was too scared to ask why I was so upset. He didn't know if I was hurting from the surgery taking place.. if I was scared about surgery.. scared for Annabelle.. sad.. mad or what. All he knew was that there was nothing he could do about it, but hold my hand until it was all over. We never said anything. I stared at the drape and would occassionally look at him. We listened to the doctor make the calls.

"Uterine incision now."

"Ashley, you're going to feel lots of pressure"

"Are you alright, Ashley? Hold on tight.. almost there just breathe"

Finally I felt the tugging and pulling and told AK --"Here she comes" and then I really started bawling. It was such a bizarre feeling knowing that your baby was leaving your body at that moment. I almost wanted to shout - "Wait!" - I wasn't ready, but I didn't get a choice.

1:22am

I finally felt the pressure stop and felt her being born. Dr. Reutinger shouted "It's a girl! She looks just like a little frog with her legs!"

"Alright little girl, time to breathe"

  I could hear him suctioning her out.

"Come on sweetheart, breathe!"

  I heard him tapping her feet and slapping her around a bit while still suctioned her nose and mouth. I starred at AK and we were both crying. He never choose to look at her and never turned away from me. We cried together squeezing each other's hand.

Finally the doctor quietly said, "NICU take her!"

We heard the machines doing there job to get her going, and the NICU staff bark orders and yelled at Annabelle to take a breath. I prayed so hard. I started shouting at God to help me, there was a little girl that needed him, please, I beg of you, help her!!

Finally, I heard three of the most beautiful squaks of a cry I have heard in my life. She was breathing! I exhaled and told AK to go see her. I prayed a little more, cried a little more and looked up and smiled at the anesthiologist as he patted me on my should and said "Congratulations, I've seen her and she's beautiful Ashley. Just a couple more minutes and you'll be done." I smiled at the ceiling tiles and took in the rest of the surgery.

 

Annabelle was breech with her legs beside her head while in my tummy. This is the way her legs and hips stayed for days. NICU staff worked to train her hips to lay back down correctly.

Once she was stabalized, the NICU Doctor came and congratulated me. She said she looked excellent for a preemie but was having a tough time breathing and they were taking her to the NICU. I smiled and nodded. A moment later she came over with Annabelle in hand and introduced me, I reached up and touched her face briefly and they hurried out the room. No incubator, baby in hand they walked her to the NICU. I sighed relief somehow. I knew she was in good hands and I knew she had angels around her. It was now my time to rest and heal quickly to see her soon!

At the end of surgery I remember asking the doctor: Are you using stitches or staples? He responded that he could use either, it was my preference, but if I choose staples, he would take them out before I went home. I agreed, but then he shouted, "Staple gun please." And I got the pleasure of hearing, "Click . Click . Click" 10x as I was stapled together... bleh, I could have done without that sound and sensation together!

Once cleaned, I was moved by several nurses back to my bed. My body was shaking uncontrollably from the drugs and nerves, but I was happy it was all over. I thanked my doctor several times and thanked all the nurses and waited patiently to get back to my room.

1:45am

I was back into my room. I texted my co-worker that works 3rd shift that I had been chatting with thru the night.I sent a picture to mom that Annabelle was born. AK made his bed and immediately fell asleep. I watched the clock for the entire night. Trying my hardest not to give myself a panic attack that I couldn't feel my legs. Attempted to keep my mind from wandering dark about Belle and just prayed that the clock would move faster so I could see her soon!

My labor and delivery for Annabelle Grace was the absolute opposite in every way that I had always dreamed and wanted. I had been reading books and studying and preparing for an unmedicated, natural childbirth. I planned to stay home as long as possible laboring. I needed bags packed and her nursery finished. I wanted to enjoy the shower and tub to labor. I wanted to hold her immediately after she was born and hear her long loud cries.

"If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans"

My ideas surely weren't what everyone else had in mind! September 20th I learned that I don't get to decide how everything unfolds in life, and while it may not be my plan, in the end it will all work out the way it's supossed to. Sometimes your strength is not shown by how well you succeeded in accomplishing your goal, but how gracefully you were able to continue down the unplanned path you were given. In the end, all that was important was my healthy baby girl, and with that goal in mind, I would have done anything laid in front of me, regardless of my choice or not, to have her hear safely.

Annabelle Grace Bishop was born September 20th, 2011

1:22am  5 pounds .8 ounces, 18 1/4 inches